70 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Minions

Just think of this as your Gru-to list of Minion funny jokes, one-liner Minion quotes, and Minion humor. Guaranteed to stop your mini-Despicable-Mes from going bananas . . . for at least a few minutes! Looking for some Minion jokes? Look no more! We’ve got tons of funny Minion jokes! Funny Minions You Can’t Resist Laughing At Best you never know. See more ideas about minion jokes, minions funny, funny minion quotes.

Funny Jokes Minions Quotes

1. “Raise your hand if you think the karma bus is moving too slow.”

2. “Roses are red violets are blue, god made me pretty, what happened to you?”

3. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as kid.”

4. “Some people just need a high – five. In the face. With a chair.”

5. “I was going to do something, then I got distracted for 5 seconds and forgot.”

6. “I may not have lost all of my marbles just yet. But there is definitely a small hole in the bag somewhere.”

7. “If I died I want my friends to keep updating my status to freak people out.”

8. “I am batman “Butt” – Man hehehahahaaa”

9. “This is a hug from me to you, to let you know I’m thinking of you and although I haven’t got much to say you’ll know I’ve thought of you today.”

10. “It’s going to be one of those days. The voices in my head are fighting. My imaginary friend is running with scissors, and at one point one of my personalities wandered off.”

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11. “I am sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes”

12. “I did not trip. The floor looked sad, so I thought it needed a hug!”

13. “They’re called ‘Man hours’ because a woman would have that shit done in 20 minutes!”

14. “Daughter: What is marriage? Mom : Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore….”

15. “Sometimes I feel ugly. Then I look at my brother and I’m okay!”

16. “I’m a member of the CSI team. Can’t stand idiots.”

17. “Never ask Google for medical advice I have gone from mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks…”

18. “If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.”

19. “Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s natures way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror”

20. “It’s so damn cold outside. I just farted snowflakes.”

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21. “Every time I lose some weight I find it again in the refrigerator.”

22. “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus. So I could slap eight people at once.”

23. “A good friend would offer you an umbrella in the rain, a best friend would steal yours and say “Run bitch, run!””

24. “No I didn’t say you were stupid. I said you are stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.”

25. “No message only picture”

26. “Math teacher… Why you never taught me this?”

27. “I look at people sometimes and think ….Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

28. “I may not have the cutes eyes, prettiest smile, gorgeous face, or perfect body, but I do have a caring heart.”

29. “Have some fun with your life… call in sick to places you don’t even work at.”

30. “I try to be a nice person but sometimes my mouth doesn’t want to cooperate!”

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31. “Instead of a sign that says: “Do not disturb” I need one that says: “Already disturbed proceed with caution”.”

32. “I was chasing my dreams, but tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth!”

33. “Sad news – please join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough boy is survived by his wife, play dough three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.”

34. “Hold your wife’s hand in the mall because if you let go, she’ll start shopping. It looks romantic but it’s actually economic.”

35. “All I heard was “I swear it will be funny…” And then we were in jail.”

36. “I am multi talented! I can talk, annoy and irritate you all at the same time!”

37. “When I’m feeling down and someone tells me to “Suck it up” I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say, “walk it off!”

38. “I smile because you’re my family… I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!”

39. “You’re so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous”

40. “I love my six – pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.”

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41. “Never hold your farts in. Thay travel up your spine, into your brain, and that’s where shitty ideas come from.”

42. “Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.”

43. “Exercise? I thought you said “Extra fries””

44. “Alcohol does not make you fat it makes you lean… Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.”

45. “That awkward moment when you still can’t understand someone after they have repeated themselves about five times.”

46. “ “I need to pee, but I don’t want to get out of bed.” – Life’s biggest struggle.”

47. “Me… Jog??? Pffffft… If you see me running. You better run too cuz there’s something chasing me!”

48. “I should be given an award for keeping my mouth shut when there is so much that needs said.”

49. “Don’t grow up, it’s a trap!”

50. “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are, courage to maintain my self control and wisdom to know that if I act on it, I will go in jail.”

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