FUNNY Chuck Norris Jokes to Make You Laugh! But please don’t tell Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape. Although it’s been years since his last acting role, Norris’ influence lives on as a long-running joke on the Internet. In honor of an all-American badass, here are 120 Chuck Norris jokes and memorable facts.
Chuck Norris Jokes
❝Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
❝Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.”
❝Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.”
❝Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.”
❝Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.”
❝Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.”
❝It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.”
❝Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.”
❝Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.”
❝Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.”
❝Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.”
❝When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape.”
❝Chuck Norris makes onions cry.”
❝Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.”
❝Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.”
❝Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.”
❝If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.”
❝Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.”
❝The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.”
❝Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.”
❝Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as ‘You Know Who’.”
❝Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.”
❝Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.”
❝Chuck doesn’t need to throw out the trash, it always throws itself out.”
❝Chuck Norris has a diary, it is called the Guinness Book Of World Records.”
❝Chuck Norris makes onions cry.”
❝It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.”
❝Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light”
❝Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!””
❝When Thanos snapped his fingers, he disappeared. Chuck Norris doesn’t like snapping.”
❝When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.”
❝Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.”
❝When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.”
❝When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.”
❝When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.”
❝When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips him.”
❝When Chuck Norris uses the internet he can skip ads whenever he wants, ads are not able to skip Chuck Norris.”
❝If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, then it’s beef.”
❝There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.”
❝Chuck Norris can hear sign language.”
❝When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.”
❝When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.”
❝Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.”
❝Chuck Norris wrecked his bicycle and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.”
❝There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.”
❝Bigfoot is still hiding because he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the mountains.”
❝Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.”
❝Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.”
❝Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to season his meat.”
❝The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.”
❝Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.”
❝Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver. And wins.”
❝Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.”
❝Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.”
❝There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.”
❝On the 7th day, God rested. Then, Chuck Norris took over.”
❝When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.”
❝Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum. He felt so bad, he put it back together.”
❝Chuck Norris is able to sketch your portrait using an eraser.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t strike gold, gold is the byproduct of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking rocks.”
❝The sun has to wear sunglasses when Chuck Norris glances at it.”
❝Chuck Norris’s GPS never tells him to turn around.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.”
❝Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.””
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. The terrorists negotiate with Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.”
❝Chuck Norris has counted to infinity more than once.”
❝Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.”
❝Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”
❝Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.”
❝Chuck Norris’ email address is [email protected]”
❝Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.”
❝The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.”
❝Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.”
❝Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.”
❝Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.”
❝The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.”
❝When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.”
❝Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.”
❝Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.”
❝Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.”
❝If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.”
❝Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.”
❝Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.”
❝Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.”
❝If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.”
❝When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.”
❝Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.”
❝Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.”
❝Chuck Norris Vs. Logic Jokes”
❝Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.”
❝Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally is always hiding.”
❝Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.”
❝Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.”
❝Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.”
❝In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.”
❝The Loch Ness Monster claims to have seen Chuck Norris.”
❝Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.”
❝Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back.”
❝Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.”
❝When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.”
❝Chuck Norris is able to slam a revolving door.”
❝When Chuck Norris enters a building that is on fire, the Chuck Norris alarm rings.”
❝Aliens are real. They are just hiding from Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t need to wear a watch, he simply decides what time it is.”
❝The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”
❝When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.”
❝When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his Mother home from the hospital.”
❝When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.”
❝In the Beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.”
❝The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.”
❝Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.”
❝If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.”
❝Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.”
❝The Flash discovered how to run at the speed of light when he discovered Chuck Norris was looking for him.”
❝Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.”
❝Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.”
❝Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a coal mine and turned it into a diamond mine.”
❝When Chuck Norris looked into the abyss, the abyss looked the other way.”
❝Chuck Norris can speak Braille.”
❝Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.”
❝Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.”
❝The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.”
❝Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.”
❝Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.”
❝Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.”
❝Chuck Norris can speak Braille.”
❝If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.”
❝Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.”
❝When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.”
❝The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.”
❝Chuck Norris can divide by zero.”
❝Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.”
❝Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.”
❝Chuck Norris can drown a fish.”
❝If Chuck Norris was on The Titanic the iceberg would have dodged the ship.”
❝Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.”
❝Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.”
❝When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.”
❝Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.”
❝Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.”
❝Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.”
❝Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.”
❝Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.”
❝When police officers approach Chuck Norris they say “we have the right to remain silent”.”
❝Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.”
