To 45 Funny Minions Quotes that Will Laugh You “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” ― Redd Foxx
Looking for Funny Minions Quotes? We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh aloud.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” ― Jay Leno
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” ― Jerry Seinfeld
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” ― Rita Rudner
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“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.” ― Sid Caesar
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” ― Marc Maron
“Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.” ― George Eliot
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” ― Steve Martin
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“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” ― Mae West
Funny minions Quotes
“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.” ― Bill Maher
“Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.” ― Bill Murray
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres
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“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” ― George Carlin
“If evolution works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ― Milton Berle
“Bill Murray’s funny quote I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it
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“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.” ― Jon Stewart
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” ― Jay Leno
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” ― Mae West
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin’s
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“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” ― Gilbert Gottfried
“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.” ― Demetri Martin
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” ― Jerry Seinfeld
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” ― Bill Maher
“Ellen DeGeneres funny quote Procrastinate now, don’t put it off
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“George Carlin funny quote I’m in shape. Round is a shape
“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” ― Naguib Mahfouz
“My theory is that all of the Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” ― Mike Myers
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” ― Joan Rivers
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin
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“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” ― Lily Tomlin
“The road to success is always under construction.” ― Lily Tomlin
“I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who had a good childhood.” ― Seth MacFarlane
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” ― Conan O’Brien
“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” – Bill Murray
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“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” ― Margaret Culkin Banning
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” ― Johnny Carson
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” ― Bill Murray
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap
“If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.” ― Larry David’s
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“If you think you have it tough, read history books.” ― Bill Maher
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” ― Lily Tomlin
“You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” ― Jackie Mason
“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.” ― Jon Stewart’s
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“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.” – Larry David
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” ― Thomas Sowell
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” ― Bill Maher
“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” ― Franklin Jones
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” ― Woody Allen’s
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“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” ― Woody Allen
“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” ― Dick Cavett
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in bans loud sighing.” ― Conan O’Brien
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” ― Tina Fey
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” ― Larry David
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“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” ― Richard Lewis
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” ― Milton Berle
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” ― Rita Mae Brown
“Ron White funny quote You can’t fix stupid
“Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they are.” ― Will Ferrell
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“Larry David funny quote I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk
“Son, if you want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” ― Matt Groening
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ― Phyllis Diller
“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” ― Gilbert Gottfried
“If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.” ― Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” ― Zach Galifianakis
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” ― Jon Stewart
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Funny Quotes
“Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but I think it’s only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.”
- “Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone how much you love them and how much you care about them, because when they’re gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they won’t hear you, anyone.”
- “Do you ever write a long message and about halfway through you’re like “you know what, they don’t even care” and delete it?”
- “That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.”
- “I love those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on in my life”
- “I love those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on in my life right now.”
- “The police pulled me over and asked me ‘You know how fast you were going?’ I said not fast enough because you caught me.”
- “My life is like a romantic comedy except there is no romance and it is just me laughing at my jokes.”
- “I hate mosquitoes… I mean, I know I’m delicious but damn.”
- “I don’t chase anyone anymore, wanna walk out of my life, there’s the door, hell I’ll even hold it for you.”
- “That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like, I’ve got nothing, man!”
- “The police pulled me over and asked me ‘You know how fast you were going?’ I said not fast enough because you caught me.”
- “Don’t make me mad and then tell me to calm down. That’s like shooting someone and then wondering why they’re bleeding.”
- “Don’t make me mad and then tell me to calm down. That’s like shooting someone and then wondering why they’re bleeding. Of”
“I love those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on in my life right now.”
